Relationship vs. Control: Spot the Difference before it hurts

                                       Relationship vs. Control: Spot the Difference before it hurts

A healthy relationship is established through connection, trust, respect and freedom. Control, on the other hand, is founded on fear, uncertainty and the need to make another person's decisions for him. Sometimes, the two are superficially alike, as when one is saying he or she is “caring for,” “loving,” or “protecting” the other person.

A Relationship is a Partnership

In a healthy relationship, two people decide to live in a relationship without sacrificing their individuality. They can express their emotions, needs, plans and concerns without giving up their independence.

One person may say, “I don’t like it when this happens.” Let's discuss it?” The objective is to understand and cooperate.

Control is different: “You are not allowed to do that.”

The first one shows respect for the other party's choice making powers. The second attempt to take away that ability.

Love demands, control requires

The most obvious differences lie in the way each person reacts to the other's independence.

A loving partner can express preferences and boundaries:

I'd really like to spend more time with you.

I don't feel comfortable in that situation. Can we discuss it?”

“This is a relationship that requires honesty.”

A controlling partner can convert preferences into orders:

“You can't go there.”

You are not allowed to speak to that person.”

“You have to tell me where you are all the time.”

“If you loved me, you would do what I say.”

A healthy relationship provides space for disagreement. In control, disagreement is treated as disobedience.

Trust vs. Surveillance

Trust does not imply ignoring issues or taking something for granted because it is not true. It's about giving your partner room to live a life without your constant supervision.

Normally in a healthy relationship, partners don't need to check each other's phones or ask for passwords, they don't need to know where they are always, and they don't need to be overly interrogating one another on a regular basis.

Surveillance often gets dressed up as caring: “I'm only looking out for you.”

Caring for another person does not mean that we have a right to their privacy.

It is not a rule to enforce upon another person.

While boundaries are crucial in relationships, they are often mistaken for control.

A boundary is a description of what you will do to keep yourself safe.

For instance: “When I am talked down, I will stop talking to you!

Controlling – trying to dictate to another person what they can or cannot do:

This is a strict rule: "You are never allowed to disagree with me.

A boundary is a safeguard for your freedom. Regulate is control of another person.

Healthy conflict means there is space for choice!

Disagreements are a part of any relationship. The key issue is what goes on in those disagreements.

Negotiating, compromising, apologizing, and at times agreeing to disagree: healthy partners can do it all. There is no need for either of them to “win.”

Control is usually pressure, intimidation, guilt, threat, punishment or emotional manipulation. The goal is not to solve a problem together, but to make one person submit.

Self reflection: “Am I Connecting? Or Controlling?”

If you aren't sure of your behavior, ask yourself the following questions:

Does my partner have the freedom to say no to me when I ask him/her without facing consequences?

Are they able to have friendships and interests beyond the relationship?

Am I respecting their privacy?

Is it possible to disagree?

Do I tell them what to do or do I let them know what I need?

Is there a danger that I'm relying on them or that I need to watch them all the time?

These questions can tell a lot about the health of a relationship.

The Difference Comes Down to Freedom

There's no need to own love.

A relationship communicates, “I choose you and I respect the fact that you are who you are.”

Control states, “But, I am with me and I should be able to do whatever I want you to do.”

The best relationships are not where one person is able to access another's life completely. These are relationships in which both are able to be themselves, to feel safe enough to be who they are, and to create together.

Real intimacy isn't about limiting someone's freedom. It is formed when two people are free to choose one another—and continue choosing one another—with honesty, respect and trust.